Actual Headlines

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter 

Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 

Now that's taking  things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 

Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

"No-good-for-nothing" lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace 

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 

You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police  Suspect Homicide 

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 

He probably IS the charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 

Taste like chicken?

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is.... 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  

Did I read that right?